Greetings Everyone, Welcome to the podcast “Close to the Bone.” I’m Carl Vreeland.

This is episode #58, it’s called, “Dry Drunk.”

One way to describe the term “dry drunk” is untreated alcoholism. This means that even though a person puts down the drink, they still think, feel, and behave like an alcoholic. Now this doesn’t mean a person who is abstinent acts like a drunk, that they wobble and slur. No, it means they act like an alcoholic, in that they still say and do stupid things, that they still get inappropriately angry, and that they continue to quench their selfish desires without a concern of consequence, to name just a few common traits. That is to say, that even though they are no longer drinking, they continue to suffer from alcohol-ism. Unless of course they treat their alcoholism. Now what does this mean? What is alcoholism? Well, Alcoholics Anonymous, the authority on alcoholism, in my view, describe the symptoms of alcoholism, or untreated alcoholism, as such:

1) We were having trouble with personal relationships.
2) We couldn’t control our emotional natures.
3) We were a prey to misery and depression.
4) We couldn’t make a living.
5) We had a feeling of uselessness.
6) We were full of fear.
7) We were unhappy.
8) We couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people.1)

These symptoms are sometimes referred to as the eight bedevilments. Now this doesn’t mean one has to experience all eight symptoms to be an alcoholic. Although they usually do at one time or another. Looking at this list, number four in particular stands out: “We couldn’t make a living.” This is often used as a way to deny the problem. “How can I be an alcoholic? I have a secure job I get to everyday. I make good money. I provide for my family. Does that sound like an alcoholic?” I hear this all the time in the rooms of recovery, and I used to say it myself. See, the problem is most of us have an image of an alcoholic as a bum on the street, brown-bagging a bottle of wine, dirty, smelly, homeless. Although that image may be accurate, it is only one image. Many alcoholics (and drug users for that matter) hold high positions on Wall Street, they’re CEO’s in thriving corporations, they have their own businesses, and they are homemakers as well, for example. Yes, anyone can be an alcoholic.

All said, sooner or later, the situation will likely change. We may not get fired, but our lives will become unmanageable. Excessive drinking and drug use is not sustainable. Our physical and mental health will deteriorate. This is when we try to find moderation, and try to curb and control our drinking or substance use. And this is when the struggle begins. We try and try to figure out a way to be moderate. When that doesn’t work, we try to quit. Sadly, this can go on for years without success. In the meantime, if it hasn’t happened already, things start going badly; a DWI or DUI, for instance, troubles in our marriage get worse, conflicts at work escalate, and grudges grow. We begin compromising our integrity, “Oh, what harm can an extramarital affair cause? My wife has been unreasonable and I need an outlet. As long as no one finds out, what’s the big deal.” Or. . . “I had to fudge the numbers this year, the company would have taken a loss otherwise.” However you slice it, alcoholism is a progressive disease; we find ourselves being more and more dishonest, and we can’t help but notice that things are getting out of control. We find ourselves slipping up; missing meetings and appointments, making mistakes, snapping at people, losing our patience, and building up resentments toward people.

It's at this point that, if we are lucky, we begin to realize that our drinking or drug use is the cause of our problems. And so we quit. We struggle. We white-knuckle it. We tough it out. But our questionable behaviors continue on. The affair gets complicated. We get looked over for a job promotion. We get pulled over for speeding. We have an altercation with the cop. Nothing has changed. We put down the drink, but our problems persist. We are filled with frustration, anger and resentment. We turn discontent and depressed.

Now, if luck strikes twice, it becomes clear to us; booze and drugs are not the problem, per se. No, they are symptoms of a deeper problem. And so, we return to the eight bedevilments. Number one – we were having trouble with personal relationships. Number two – we couldn’t control our emotional natures. Number three – we were prey to misery and depression. Could we be the problem? Now it’s time to get honest. Which is the most important thing to do. Because unless we do, nothing will change. It will only get worse.

And so this is what is it to be a dry drunk. We are dry, abstinent, but we’re still acting like an alcoholic. We are suffering from alcoholism. Or more specifically, being we are not drinking; untreated alcoholism. So, what to do? Typically, as I said before, we think we will be able to figure this problem out on our own. After all, we’re smart, educated, we’ve been around, we’re experienced. And so, this can go on for a while, and usually to no avail. And the primary reason for this is that the denial hasn’t broken yet. We think we can control or fix the problem. And deep down, we still think that everything and everyone else is to blame for our troubles. We have yet to see that we are the problem, and that we can’t fix the problem. I mean, how can the one that created the problem, fix the problem? Nevertheless, denial is blinding, and we continue on living as we have been living.

And so number four comes to pass – we couldn’t make a living. “That piece of shite boss fired me. For what? For being late to work several times?! For disagreeing with his decision to sell instead of buy? For lashing out at my team on occasion for making stupid mistakes? Again, denial. We can’t see the role we play in our troubles, that our behavior is inappropriate, that we are not a team player. We can’t see that we are the problem.

And so maybe fear sets in. Number six- we were full of fear. Usually followed by number seven – we were unhappy. Hopefully by now you’re getting the picture of what a dry drunk is. As far as Number five and eight, - we had a feeling of uselessness and we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people, these come about sooner or later. Indeed, our alcoholic tendencies, are slowly destroying our lives. What is of the utmost importance at this stage, is again, to get honest. Admit we have a problem, that our lives have become unmanageable. Which so happens to be Step One of the Twelve Step Program - “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.” In fact, the Twelve Step Program was designed to treat alcoholism. It worked for me and thousands of others. Is it the only way to treat alcoholism? I don’t know. But it’s the only way I know. I haven’t seen any other programs work as effectively. Sure, other programs have helped people get sober, but as we learned, there’s much more to sobriety then just putting down the drink.

If you, or someone you know has a problem. I highly recommend checking out Alcoholics Anonymous. Whether the problem is alcohol or drugs, AA can help. I’ve been 25 years sober and clean now, and it’s largely due to AA. There’s plenty of information online. Or go to a meeting. Better yet, go to a few meetings, they are all different. Give it a chance. It may turn your life around, as it did mine. It may save you a lot of heartache and trouble. And it could save your marriage and your job. And I am hopeful that it will lead you to having of sober, clean, happy, and healthy life.

As always, thank you so much for listening. And I wish you the best on your journey.

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1) We Agnostics, Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, Chapter 4, p. 52.