Excerpt from Chapter Eight: Rewiring the Mind. Our mind thinks; that’s what it does. We cannot stop thoughts from arising. It’s our attachment to them that causes a lot of our suffering. It’s our inability to let them go that deflects us from focusing, relaxing, and sleeping at night. It’s our overthinking and overanalyzing that is the cause of our anxieties and unease. From time to time, I half-jokingly tell my students, “If you want to be happy, stop thinking.” Of course, you can’t stop thinking, but you don’t have to be enslaved by every thought that appears. I learned that unwanted, distracting, and obsessive thoughts are not the problem. It’s actually the way we respond to the thoughts, and our relationship to them, that cause suffering. The practice of meditation can transform that relationship. Imagine being able to literally take this suggestion: Don’t give it another thought. Meditation gives us that gift freely.

If the mention of meditation makes you roll your eyes, I understand. I was skeptical too. In fact, I had no desire to try it, no interest in it, no time for it, and I couldn’t see how it could possibly help me. How could sitting still in a seated position doing nothing have any benefits? It made no practical sense. All the same, the universe had other plans for me. As part of my Yoga teaching training program, I had to study and practice Buddhist meditation.

The Buddha came to know that the mind is ill at ease being in the present moment. This is one reason why meditation is burdensome in the beginning. The mind is easily distracted and loves to wander, fantasize, relive the past, plan, plot, and worry. Buddhists call this “monkey mind.” As a monkey jumps from one branch to another, so does the mind jump from one thought to another. Meditation trains our minds to be more steady, present, focused, and aware.

Excerpt from Chapter Twelve: Working with Aggression Anger is a secondary emotion. Humiliation, frustration, disappointment, rejection, hurt, guilt, shame, regret, and jealousy (to name but a few) are the primary emotions that often lead to anger and aggression. I propose that there is also a sub-primary emotion underlying all emotions and responses, and that emotion is fear (see Chapter 15). For example, when one is rejected by their lover, fear sets in: “I’m not lovable. I’m destined to be alone.” Of course, feelings of hurt, disappointment, and shame arise, and these feelings often lead to anger and bitterness. Yet fear, the underlying emotion, often goes unnoticed. Same goes for a threat, wherein we feel unsafe and vulnerable. Our natural response is anger, but it is fear that activates the fight-or-flight response, not anger. Anger is the emotional response and the energy we generate to help us fight or flee.

I didn’t understand that anger is an emotion and aggression is an action. I didn’t know there was a difference between them: meaning, anger and aggression. I got angry and, in turn, aggressively responded to whoever annoyed me. I thought there was only one way to express anger—furiously and forcefully. I didn’t know that anger could be expressed in appropriate and productive ways. Moreover, I believed that my occasional loss of self-control and slamming of the door was the fault of my offender. I took no responsibility for what I saw as a justifiable action.

Anger is unavoidable. We cannot stop it from coming to the surface, nor should we. However, there are therapeutic ways to experience our anger, process it, and express it. Much to my surprise, I discovered that anger can be communicated constructively without aggression— although aggression isn’t the only way we mishandle anger. There are those who repress their anger; they unconsciously hold down their anger, not letting themselves feel it. They become overwhelmed in difficult or hostile situations. They might shed tears, freeze, or shut down. They frequently think that they are fine, yet in reality they are numbed out and disembodied. They are detached from their emotions; they might display passive-aggressive behavior toward others but not know why. Others suppress their anger; they feel it and know it’s there but consciously choose to stuff it down. Of course, we can’t bury our anger and expect it not to localize somewhere. Whether it be toward our friends, family, children, pets, or in the form of a psychosomatic physical or mental illness, repressed or suppressed anger will always find a
destination to reside in.

In a civilized society, fighting and reacting aggressively are harmful, provocative, unwise, and unhealthy. Conversely, fleeing is inappropriate, uncivil, and passive-aggressive. That said, anger is not the problem, per se. The problem is aggression, repression, and the suppression of anger. Getting angry is natural. Problems occur when we lash out, block our anger, or stuff it down. Developing an awareness of our strong habitual patterns of behavior and triggers is an important step toward understanding ourselves, breaking these habits, and gaining freedom from suffering. And of course, we must get more in touch with our emotions. If someone rejects us, we must get into the practice of residing in the fear, hurt, and arising anger; refraining from building a storyline; and resisting the urge to escape those uncomfortable, vulnerable emotions.